Chapter IV.
Effective
Sentences: Developing a Concise Style[1]
A. Avoid
Deadwood Constructions
1. The
reason the starving novelist drove 50 miles to a new restaurant was because
it was serving his favorite chicken dish. . .
2. The
starving novelist dove 50 miles to a new restaurant because it was
serving his favorite chicken dish. . .
3. Because
of the fact that his surfboard business failed after only a month, my
brother decided to leave Minnesota.
4. Because
his surfboard business failed after only a month, my brother decided to leave
Minnesota.
5. Other
notorious deadwood constructions include the following:
･ Regardless
of the fact that (use “although”)
･ Due
to the fact that (use “because”)
･ The
reason is that (omit)
･ As
to whether or not to (omit “as to” and “or not”)
･ As
this point in time (use “now” or “today”)
･ It
is believed that (use a specific subject and “believes”
･ Concerning
the matter of (use “about”)
･ By
means of (use “by”)
･ These
are the kinds of . . . that (use “these” plus a specific noun)
･ On
account of (use “because”)
6. There
are
ten dental students on Full-Bite Scholarships attending this university.
7. Ten
dental students on Full-Bite Scholarships attending this university.
8. It
is the true that
the County Fair still offers many fun contests, including the ever-popular map
fold-off.
9. The
County Fair still offers many fun contests, including the ever-popular map
fold-off.
10. The
gateway car, which was stolen, turned the corner.
11. The
stolen gateway car turned the corner.
12. The
chef, who was depressed, ordered his noisy lobsters to summer down.
13.
The
depressed chef ordered his noisy lobster to simmer down.
14.
Mary,
who is a local English teacher. . . .
15.
Mary,
a local English teacher. . .
16.
She
seems to be angry.
17.
She
seems angry.
18.
.
. . proved to be successful.
19.
.
. . proved successful .
20.
At
the time of registration,
students are required to make payment of their library fees.
21.
At
registration students must pay their library fees.
22.
The
producer fired the mother of the director of the movie.
23.
The
producer fired the movie director’s mother.
B. Avoid
Redundancy
1. In
this day and age, people expect to live at least seventy years. (today)
2. He
repeated the winning bingo number over again.
3. Reverted
back.
4. New innovation.
5. Red
in color.
6. Fell
down.
7. Large
in size
8. Final outcome
C. Carefully
Consider Your Passive Verbs
1. The
wedding date was announced by the young couple.
2. The
young couple announced their wedding date.
[1] The
following content is selected from Jean Wyrick. Steps to Writing Well. Ninth Edition. United States: Thomson, 2005. P. 122-126.
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